What’s holding you back?
I’ve written about the inner voice that tells us we’re not good enough, we’re going to fail again, and everything else that prevents us from pursuing what is meaningful. Pushing outside our comfort zones triggers feelings of fear and doubt. But we’re still driven toward something we want or believe we want. So how do you overcome those inner demons when they’ve paralyzed your brain into overthinking or an inability to form a coherent thought? You have to dig in and figure out what it is that is holding you back.
When working with other people in goal setting, and they’ve made a decision that isn’t congruent with the direction they want to go, one of the first questions I ask is, “what were you thinking?” That’s not a judgment call; I’m intensely curious about their mindset and thoughts that directed them in a specific direction or action. In some cases, the thought process seems incoherent when communicated later. That’s a tiny problem. The bigger problem is not thinking at all or operating on autopilot. Not knowing what to do isn’t a problem either because you can always learn. Having no idea what the problem is and no drive to figure it out is fatal.
As individuals, we need to nurture an intense curiosity about our thought patterns, the feelings they bring, and how those thoughts and feelings are connected. Past experiences of success and failure, rejection, disappointment, acceptance, and support are some ways we relate meaning to our experiences. It’s also how we manage our choices and decide what to do. Without curiosity, there’s no motivation. If we never dig down and figure out who we are at our core, we’re bound to repeat the same behavior patterns while wondering why we never seem to get anywhere.
Exposing the worst of ourselves is scary and takes courage. It’s confronting your worst enemy in a battle to the death. The death of the limiting beliefs and feelings that have guided you to where you currently are but are useless to where you need to go. Acknowledging they exist and figuring out where they came from is step one. Step two is to admit that your current beliefs have served a purpose. Finally, instilling a new set of empowering beliefs and applying new habits to reinforce them.
Consider an experience you’ve ruminated on that didn’t go as planned or left you with a feeling of failure or doubt. Childhood experiences are ripe for these emotions and a time when we should give ourselves almost unlimited grace. We’re courageous and try new things without the burden of self-consciousness. When things went wrong, we started to question our abilities. We can reframe these moments by acknowledging our efforts, regardless of the results. We tried, failed, and learned how to deal with the disappointment of others. Sometimes things don’t go our way, but that doesn’t mean we’re not good enough. We may not have had what it took, but we can learn, improve, and try again.
Many find it challenging to acknowledge their faults. If they do, it tends to be in a minimizing or self-deprecating way. If we honestly confront our faults, we must take accountability and correct the behavior. If our behaviors prevent personal growth, limit the depths of our relationships, or harm others, we must do what is needed to change.
This type of personal reflection requires strong internal and external self-awareness. We must clearly and accurately understand ourselves and how others see us. We know these people when we see them because there’s an unspoken sense of authenticity. Openness, or a lack of pretense, is prevalent in those with healthy self-awareness. Cultivating this trait goes hand in hand with addressing the internal dialogue that conflicts with our goals. We can move forward productively when we’re brutally honest while giving ourselves grace.
Our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs have brought us this far, but they may not be enough to move us forward. It’s important to acknowledge where you are and how far you’ve come, even if it’s not where you expected. Make a mental note of your successes despite thoughts that may no longer serve you. Placing clear emphasis on our thoughts or feelings can reframe them into a more proper perspective and help form new thought patterns and habits.
There is no finality to self-doubt, especially when you’re committed to setting goals and personal growth. But we can build a solid inner strength filled with experiences where we overcome our limiting beliefs and continue to push forward. We’re always going to question if we can or can’t do something, goals just outside our comfort zone, or our skills and abilities. This sweet spot motivates us and makes us wonder if it’s possible. We must spend time understanding our internal dialogue to reframe it into something that feeds our motivation and diminishes our self-doubt.