The Hard Truth: How Dialogue Can Resolve Conflict

Working through conflict goes hand in glove with setting audacious goals. The first thing that comes to mind when I set a goal is the various steps I’ll have to take to get there, often for the first time. I remember when I decided to run my first marathon. I didn’t have a half marathon or even a 10K, but I decided to go big or go home. Those weekly long runs could be grueling but were necessary for development and preparation for the big race.

Ambitions outside our abilities conflict with our self-worth and belief about what we can accomplish. I would dread longer runs until I had the experience to realize the benefits.  As I logged more and more miles, I started to look forward to the road time.  Listening to audiobooks or a podcast became a routine that I rarely missed.  My internal perspective shifted and eased the inner conflict.

Internal conflicts are one thing, but how do we handle conflict with others when it challenges our values and beliefs or hinders our personal growth? What if the circumstances are such that we can’t avoid addressing an issue that prevents us from making measurable progress or remaining loyal to our principles? These usually occur when our values and beliefs butt up against someone or something that challenges them. Under these circumstances, we must take action.

“Taking action” can mean different things. Understanding and recognizing the need to do something are key insights. Passivity or ignorance of the realities won’t solve anything and may create additional unforeseen problems. Identifying the territory, the participants, and the desired outcomes create the foundation for moving through conflict and toward a shared goal.

Why do conflicts occur?

One of the challenges of setting and achieving goals is to embrace the journey but not get caught up with the identity. You want to embrace the change that comes with personal growth, but connecting too closely with identity can be problematic. For example, becoming a psychologist can be a challenging goal. Allowing that role to take more than its fair share of your identity is a significant problem. If you can't turn off that part of yourself, family and friends may not appreciate being constantly diagnosed or analyzed. You may not even realize it’s happening until it’s too late.  Our egos take pride in accomplishing goals, but there is a cost.

Imagine two different people (and egos) competing for the same thing. It could be a customer, an idea, or leading a new project. We may lose perspective if our egos take over. Our identities take center stage, and it’s a battle to the death (or a mutually desirable outcome).

I learned an important lesson from reading Stephen Covey’s “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.” Habit 5 states; seek first to understand, then to be understood. Let’s break this down into smaller bites.

Shifting our minds to understanding creates less ego and more curiosity if we do it correctly. We seek to learn more from the situation versus getting something out of it.

This habit is like an antidote for conflict. For many of us, myself included, taming the ego may be the first and only step needed to get past a disagreement. Once we understand another person's point of view, we can formulate a more harmonious response with a broader perspective. 

When I led a small public sector union, I initially got caught up in the need to express my position without considering any other point of view. Whether it be the administration or my members, my opinion always had to come first. It wasn’t until I was privately called out for this behavior that I started to make a mental shift that took time to develop. This was a hard lesson, but I was far more effective when I listened first and talked second, when I cared more about what the other person was saying versus getting my point across.

Don’t discuss it; dialogue it.

 Although they sound the same and are used interchangeably, key differences exist between a discussion and a dialogue. Discussions involve people interested in getting their point across. Like I tried to do in my union role. The goal of a discussion is to communicate a better argument. Dialogues have no winners or losers. The goal is to increase understanding through open question and answer. This requires active listening and a deep desire to understand each other's points of view. It’s easy to see how a successful dialogue cannot be ego-driven.

As the first black President of South Africa so eloquently said.

"The only way to resolve conflict is through dialogue."– Nelson Mandela  

There’s also far less hostility in dialogues because no one tries to outdo the other person. Instead, the conversation builds on itself through the participation and engagement of everyone involved. Conflict is almost impossible if the stage is set for a healthy dialogue.

Healthy conflict can be productive.

Conflicts reveal problems, which provide opportunities for growth. It can also indicate that progress is being made because the participants are passionate and willing to fight for their beliefs and values. When our core values and iceberg beliefs are challenged, we often find it impossible to ignore. It demonstrates a commitment to change and growth. Conflict can and should be constructive if managed respectfully and productively.

Progress can be made toward a shared goal if we can weave in the ideas of active listening, mutual respect, and understanding when conflicts arise. This makes the concept of conflict helpful because we may not have seen the need for change if there had been no conflict in the first place.  Understanding our identities and checking our egos at the door set the stage for a productive dialogue and, hopefully, a mutually beneficial outcome.