Dealing with bullies.

Why do some experiences stand out more than others? Happy interactions with family or friends are every day, but so are experiences that create sadness, embarrassment, or shame.  Some may involve conflict, falling short of a goal, or temporarily behaving in a way that violates personal beliefs or values.  Reflecting on these may shed some light on how serious it was or wasn’t in most cases. 

Last week I wrote about inner conflict with our values and beliefs and external conflict when those same values and beliefs aren’t shared with others. But what about the conflict when someone simply wants what they want, regardless of your thoughts or feelings?

Youthful bullying can be a rite of passage, and formal or informal pecking orders are established as we enter puberty.  We fall into different tribes based on our talents, associates, interests, or comforts. This is often unfair and arbitrary, but hierarchies develop, and physical or mental acumen often makes the difference. However, the challenges compound when those same rewarding behaviors seep into adulthood, where the stakes are higher.

That’s not to say everyone with these qualities will bully those who don’t.  But there’s an implied advantage when picking a fight or engaging in psychological warfare between two or more people. The bully has or thinks they have an advantage the other person doesn’t and will use that leverage to get what they want, often at the expense of the other person's dignity.  Humiliation, power, or control may be the goal the bully is seeking. 

An experimental study from the University of Bergen defined bullying as “harassing, offending, socially excluding someone or negatively affecting someone’s work task. For the label bullying to be applied to a particular activity, interaction, or process, it has to occur repeatedly and regularly (e.g., weekly) over some time (e.g., about six months). Bullying is an escalated process in which the person confronted ends up in an inferior position and becomes the target of systematic negative social acts.

Accepting this definition as accurate and complete, we immediately see the circumstances or experiences from our past where this definition would apply.  Whether it's our personal lives or, as outsiders, watching bullying play out in social interactions, our emotions and beliefs effectively capture these moments and ingrain them in our psyches.  So what can we do to process these experiences after the fact, or, in the moment, and take effective action to fortify our self-worth or come to the aid of others?

Overcoming regret

As we mature, these experiences stick with us, and it can be challenging to shed the regret of inaction.  It’s also important not to allow past regrets to shade our current or future decisions when faced with intimidating or overbearing people.  There comes a time when we may simply need to “get over it.” Instead of ruminating on lost opportunities, we can reflect on those times with a different perspective and resolve to make different choices when faced with similar experiences in adulthood. 

Before figuring that out, it’s important to explicitly state that any possibility of a physical altercation should be avoided, if possible.  It should also never be a desired strategy when confronting someone.  The stakes are too high, and many unknowns make physical exchanges extremely dangerous.  Effectively confronting a bully doesn’t necessarily require force or the threat of force.  The aim is to communicate awareness of the bullying behavior and confront the responsible players.

Believing versus doing

I covered similar ground in a previous essay about personal values and how to express them thoughtfully and meaningfully.  Possessing that skill is effective for addressing aggressive and single-minded people who seek to bulldoze anyone standing in their way.  But it may not be enough to successfully diffuse an interaction with someone used to getting their way.  Standing up for yourself is essential, but many share a moral imperative to stand up for others, especially those unable or unwilling to do it themselves. Having those ideals and desires in your mind differs from exercising them when appropriate.

Foundation of fairness

Most rational humans have a built-in sense of what’s fair and unfair.  This balance becomes murky when we focus on an outcome that benefits us or an ally.  What we believe to be fair really may not be, and vice-versa.  However, once we’re made aware of our flawed thinking, we quickly return to baseline and can make the required changes to bring everything back into balance. 

For example, cronyism is ripe with bullying, especially when someone is politicking for someone who will follow their way of thinking.  The incentive is to highlight the positives and ignore the negatives of their candidate while doing the opposite for the competition.  The same can be said for promoting a person's position or idea; emphasize the good and overlook the bad.  Combining this approach with an elevated sense of self-worth and aggression can form the basis for a possible confrontation. 

When I was responsible for providing opinions on possible promotional candidates, I tried to maintain a broad perspective and not fall into the trap of promoting someone simply because they were an ally. Addressing the pros and cons is critical because it communicates honesty and reduces the possibility that any negative attributes will be ignored or swept under the rug. Allowing someone to champion a candidate without acknowledging the realities of their qualifications often requires a direct and purposeful response.

What to do?

Understanding your moral imperative when dealing with others or watching interactions between others can serve as a guide.  Most of us adhere to a basic level of respect and social code, but how would you respond when those unspoken rules are violated?  How would you respond if you saw those rules violated but weren’t a participant?  It’s often situation based, but important to know when enough is enough or where you symbolically draw the line.

Identifying and calling out bad behavior is a responsibility we all share.  Knowing the when, where, and how is unique to all of us, but a skill we should hone when the time calls. Allowing destructive behavior to go unchecked will eventually lead to greater catastrophes. Maybe you won’t be there when the time comes, but we often have opportunities to address the issues when they were simply molehills and not mountains.