Grow a backbone.
The importance of understanding who you are and what values you place above others on your hierarchy is so you can recognize and respond when those values are challenged. When we experience negative emotions like anger or frustration, we can generally identify an internal or external value conflict. Our internal values routinely conflict when choosing between two equally attractive or unattractive options. We may feel loss or fear, but we can rationalize those inner feelings when we stop and reflect. External conflicts involve an outside “thing,” whether it be a person or situation that challenges our values or some deeply held belief. The feelings of anger and frustration aren’t easily ignored. A choice must be made between honoring the value versus abdicating to someone or something due to a lack of moral courage or ability to respond effectively. Everyone’s moral imperative may differ in degree or kind, but we all have a responsibility to defend these foundational values when faced with conflict.
There are numerous value-based tools to determine which of our values rise to a greater level of importance. We can attempt to place them on a hierarchy, but this strategy is limiting due to situational or environmental factors that would rank them differently given the circumstances. The objective is to discover and understand the foundational reasons for the values that guide our lives. Some of these values may include trust, honesty, and integrity. More tangible values like family, health, and wealth may also play a role. Life’s complexities challenge us in different ways and at different times, and which values come into play may differ depending on the circumstances.
One way to know how values play a role in our decision-making is to stop and reflect when experiencing a strong emotion. When an event triggers us, and our minds get temporarily hijacked, that’s specific feedback on what we value and an opportunity to respond. Depending on the strength of the emotion, we can respond effectively or allow our lizard brain to dictate a knee-jerk reaction, which may do the exact opposite of what we intended. Whenever we react with a thoughtless response, it’s rarely effective in communicating our best intention or honoring the value that was questioned. Unlike Pavlov’s dog, we can stop and reflect on why we feel a certain way.
Recognizing this ability is crucial because we must express and defend our values so others can know and understand who we are. A personal and unconscious understanding of right and wrong guide our actions. Understanding the emotional underpinnings of our values equips us to defend them when needed and recognize when a mild slight or comment doesn’t rise to the level of a personal attack. Not every triggering event needs a reaction. Personal accountability identifies when we may be the root cause and when our internal thought process needs to be adjusted.
So how do we assess when a response is necessary versus allowing an intended or unintended confrontation to go unchallenged? In most cases, recognizing the emotion and rationalizing that everything isn’t about you or your values is the first step. Values guide our lives but not the lives of others. If you’re experiencing an inner conflict, understand the values in play and make a rational choice. There is unlikely a “best” choice, but by moving in a direction, we can glean more knowledge and experience with whatever may come. Situations with others require a sense of empathy and a desire to understand their values and needs. If you feel compelled to respond, at least you’re doing it with a greater understanding of their position and can likely do so more effectively.
Defending yourself and your values isn’t easy. Most people avoid conflict. We’re biased toward getting along, even when it requires us to sacrifice our moral integrity. That’s why stronger-willed people usually get what they want versus someone who defaults to harmony. Many of us have experienced someone, or we may be that person, who bulldozes their way forward and rarely gives up an inch of ground in the process. Confronting a determined individual can be challenging, but it’s also essential to communicate your thoughts and ideas, especially if it’s a line in the sand. Not doing so diminishes confidence and feeds the areas of inadequacy and self-doubt.
Imagine scenarios where you challenge someone on their values or ideas. Instead of allowing it to devolve into a shouting match or one person talking over the other, listen and seek to understand what they’re trying to communicate. Ask questions to dig into the meaning behind the words. Once equipped with that knowledge, and if you still feel compelled to respond, take a breath and communicate why you don’t agree or where you find concern with their thinking. Standing up for yourself and your values don’t require aggression. Calmly and rationally explaining why you hold specific values and beliefs goes further in others listening to what you have to say.
Discovering and understanding your values is vital for personal growth and essential for when you are called to defend them when they’re being challenged. Standing up for yourself is an action that honors what you hold most dear. Failing to do that creates a sense of dissonance and questions the validity of our most deeply held beliefs. Preparing for these conflicts strengthens our integrity, increases our dignity and ethics, and gives us confidence when honoring our moral imperative.